It’s not 389, but thanks…

Thanks for all the support and chanting. I didn’t see 389. something this morning.

I saw 388.6!!!!


Okay, I’m going to say something that is NOT easy for me to say, but probably should be easier than it is. I’m really, really proud of myself this week. First off, on Saturday I went to my mom’s for her birthday. I decided not to journal that day, sort of a test, gearing up for the holidays. I’d told myself I wouldn’t journal on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day… so, I entered my breakfast, which I ate at home. I made sure to keep myself reasonably focused. I let myself have some thing I don’t normally get. For example, I got McDonalds, but I got a chicken nugget Happy Meal with 1% chocolate milk instead of getting one of the grown up meals. I split the small fries with Missy, too. Then I saw that my mom had Edy’s Grand Light Pumpkin ice cream - and I’ve been dying to try that flavor, but I’d had a McDonald’s cone (those things are the best) and I knew we were having cake… so I tasted it, but had just a tablespoon worth (it was pretty good, btw). I ate a piece of garlic bread at dinner, but didn’t have a second piece when offered one. I had cake, but stopped eating it when full. That’s right, I stopped eating cake! When I got back to the city, I was a bit hungry (dinner had been sort of early), and I’d been dying for an Auntie Anne’s pretzel, which they sell at Penn Station. I decided to get one, but chose the whole wheat variety as opposed to the cinnamon sugar one.

Basically, I proved to myself that choices do matter, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a day where you still indulge. I didn’t feel even remotely deprived, and I really didn’t feel guilty either. I felt in control, but also a bit less restricted than normal, which was sort of the idea… and that’s exactly how I want to feel on holidays or at special events. I don’t want to feel restricted or deprived or miserable. I don’t want to feel like I am “on a diet”, essentially. I want to feel like I’m making controlled decisions and reasonable choices. I want to feel like I am a “normal” person where food is concerned… and I did sort of feel that Saturday (along with an occasional twinge of, “am I doing this right?”, I will admit).

However, I was also somewhat worried… I know I had to be over my calories, at least somewhat. I came home and got back to eating sensibly and like I normally would at home - this was a big victory. I didn’t let the event turn into a weekend of messed up eating. I think my state of mind going into the situation really helped there… I looked at it as a chance to eat stuff I might not normally get, but not as a chance to pig out and stuff my face. Moderation was key in my mind, even if I wasn’t counting calories. This is an important point to remember for this weekend’s challenge of a buffet-style dinner at the 1st birthday party we’re going to Sunday, and also just in general, of course.

So, I did really well on Saturday, but then I was coping with PMS and cravings of an extreme nature for the rest of the week. Though my eating has been less balanced than I’d like it to be, that’s more because of ongoing struggles with my stomach than anything else. However, I was randomly craving sweet stuff and salty stuff all week… oh, and pizza. I had a major pizza craving, which I finally got through. When I woke up yesterday, I thought about it and was over it. Then I saw someone eating pizza on TV and wanted to scream. Fortunately, my husband suggested we have pizza for dinner last night, and since I was in a good place with my day and had been resisting the itch all week, I decided it was time to get it out of my system. I am so glad I did. I remember when two slices of pizza would’ve seemed a laughable dinner… last night I barely finished two. I was teetering on the verge of “stuffed” and I don’t like to go there these days…

Pizza aside, it was a rough week. I really struggled through it, and I made it out relatively unscathed for which I’m glad - and, yes, proud. I kept myself focused on my goals, including the immediate one of getting the hell out of the 390s!!! It paid off, and I feel really good about it today. Which is great, since I’m going to be eating out today when I see Bella… and tomorrow I’m supposed to meet Kyra for Starbucks, but I can handle Starbucks without too much trouble these days. Besides, the nice part about meeting either of them is that I can share dessert and split the calories - and the bill ;) !

The best part is, I’m ahead of schedule on my 30 x 30 weight goal. FitDay breaks down your weight goal, and tells you were you should be with it at a given time, to reach it based on the program’s original estimate. I should be at 389.97 today (so basically 390). I think this is good, because it gives me a smidge of wiggle room through the holidays. If I can stay a tiny bit ahead of the goal, it won’t matter so much if I have a week where I maintain, or have a slight gain. I’m not aiming to have big losses over the next few weeks. I’m just aiming to feel as in control as I did last weekend, and if I can accomplish that, I really will try hard not to let the scale bother me, regardless. Being in control is really so much more vital to the long term success of this process than the number on the scale on any given day. If I can maintain control, the numbers will fall into place.

I’m really glad I use FitDay… when I see that since I began again on October 20th, I’ve lost roughly 8.4 pounds, I catch myself starting to think, it’s been almost a month and I’ve only lost 8.4 pounds! I used to lose more than that in my first WEEK of Weight Watchers! But then I realize that this is now. Then I see that it averages out to over 2 pounds per week, and I’m content. Sure, it would be nice to lose faster… but I’m not really exercising yet and I am eating in a slightly higher calorie range than I should be if a rapid loss is what I’m after. Right now, it’s not. Right now I know I need to focus not as much on the scale as on the control I mentioned earlier. Once I feel steady, I can think about cutting calories or (more likely) adding activity. I’m trying not to spread my focus too thin… I want this too much to risk fucking it up again. Therefore, I’m taking it a step at a time. It’s not a competition. I don’t need to “out lose” anyone, or worry about what people might think about my progress or choices… I need to worry about being able to live with said choices and progress. Right now I am more than happy to be losing 2.1 pounds a week on average, and I’m not about to overcomplicate matters at a time of year that make binge eating not only easy, but practically expected, and essentially accepted! I’m not making any major changes until January. They say it takes 21 days for something to become a habit. Well, by January, I should be an expert ;) !